Friday, February 14, 2014

Girl Love. There is a point to this post... I think.

Yes, it’s Friday. I have drunk a few glasses of wine and I am in the situation where I have no brain-to-mouth filter.

It’s valentines’ day, and as is usual given the day, it’s a day of professing your love or commiserating your lack of it on Social Media sites. It’s the day where we all validate our existence through the fact that someone out there loves us.

Really? We have a day dedicated to that? That’s a bit shit isn’t it? I mean, isn’t showing how much we love someone a 365 day affair? Why confine it to one day?

It’s also the day, where it seems to be a case of ‘girl loves boy’ and ‘boy loves girl’. I suppose in the scheme of things, I am not in a position where I should comment. After all the ‘love-of-my-life’ is in fact male. I have loved him for eighteen years, and I would like to think that through anything, we would still love each other (in some way) in eighteen years time.

Anyway, I drunkenly digress. I have just read a post by my friend Vanessa about ‘Girl Love’. It’s an old post, but the point she makes still stands.

‘Girl Love’ shouldn’t be a quagmire. ‘Girl Love’ only exists when the women involved love themselves first.

I have never been a ‘Girlie Girl’. I couldn’t understand it. What was with the emphasis on getting boys to like you? Why did I need to wear make-up? Why did I have to giggle and other people (namely girls) misfortune?

When I was about fourteen, a boy at my school professed his ‘love/like/crush’ on me. I was a geek, unconventional and a hair-cut which utilized a mixing bowl. (Not kidding on the last point). I made this poor boys life hell. I had so little self-confidence that I couldn’t believe anyone would like me. I listened to my friends (all girls), who convinced me that the only reason he liked me was the fact he wanted to play a joke.

I learnt from that experience. Boys, girls and frankly anyone wouldn’t love me if I didn’t like myself. I went on a journey full of ‘ups-and-downs’, which lasted over a decade, on loving and accepting myself.

That learning process has led me to some interesting discoveries.

 I am okay. I make mistakes, but generally, I get through life. That’s okay and I will take those odds. Making it through life is good enough for me. Everything else is just icing.

I have accepted who I am, even if society hasn’t. I am a complex person. I do not do the generic roles society has laid out for me and I know I am okay with that. I love women as much as men and frankly I can’t understand why the world doesn’t operate the same view. I will never be a super-model, high-earning, business focused woman who thinks everyone is out to get her. I am also not the 1950’s Stepford wife who feels her only role is to fulfill another person (mainly a man).

I can’t understand this bitchiness. Why do people have to be snide? Why do they think everyone has a different agenda? Why is it my role to make everyone like me? It has taken me a long while to realize that people only bitch out of insecurity. The phrase, “it’s not me, it’s them” when utilized too often is actually a reflection on yourself. People aren’t after me, my husband, my life. Why pretend on a false image when it’s only you that loses?

Girl love is okay.  It’s okay to like (and love or admire other women). Other women inspire us. They provide the foundation of a caring relationship. I have made no secret that my first real love was a woman. Why did I love her? She was unique, different and she was not afraid to show it. I loved her because she was showing me the person I wanted to be. I admire a lot of women and that’s because they are showing inner strengths to themselves. They are showing themselves without pretension or falseness. They are showing me how to be a better person and that’s a good thing.

I am not after your life. There is this underlying idea that if you are a women then everyone is out to get you. If you know a man, then they are after your job, pay and position. If you know a woman, then they are after your social standing, your partner and your life. Get over yourself! Really? Women have been the under-dogs for a long time that we have felt everyone is against us?
Trust me, we aren’t. I may like you. I may think your husband is great. I may admire the job you have, but trust me, I am no way wanting to replace my life with yours. I admire you. I know you got where you are with hard work. I know you have the family you have with love and devotion you have given. I know I can’t go and walk in and get it. Frankly, I love myself and I love my life. I wouldn’t want your life if it came up and bit me, because I love who I am and the decisions I HAVE made.

Okay, another glass of wine and a showing of ‘The Lego Movie’ trailer movie and I am distracted.

I suppose the point is, that you only get love when you love yourself. I suppose the point I am trying to make is that if there is one person you should send a Valentines’ card to, it’s should be yourself. Stop trying to break down my life with your insecurities. Realise that I am who I am and learn to love yourself a little bit more.

It might make all of our lives a little easier. Just be yourself.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pissing people off

Yes, I should cite this, but I don't know where it came from.
I am sure whoever wrote this will be more than happy, that
I wrote this fantastic post around their meme.

I am a little drunk. Actually, I am not. I am stone-cold sober, but the phrase, “I am a little drunk”, is usually the comment I start a post on which I rant and rave. It’s like my check-out clause, so that you know what I am going to say is going to be offensive to probably some people. I use it, I suppose to keep the prudes happy.

But, why should I? Seriously, what does it matter who I piss off? Why should I waste effort trying to keep people -who are over-sensitive to things that frankly don’t matter- happy?

A Facebook friend of mine had posted the above Meme on her wall. It got me thinking. Okay, it got me close to the point of thinking ;)

In life, we seemed to spend a lot of time trying to keep other people happy. In fact, some people go out of their way to try and keep everyone happy. The end result is usually failure, anxiety and paranoia that ‘someone, somewhere, may have got the wrong idea’. That’s Shit.

My Son –as this blog has mentioned on numerous occasions- is Autistic. It is fantastic. There are times I wish we all were autistic, because when it comes to dealing with the social scene, they pretty much have the right idea.  They say it as it is, and don’t (generally) care what you say to them in return. Think, how much easier would our lives be if we all lived a little –okay, a lot- like this. I could tell you that the shirt you are wearing is hideous, and instead of getting upset about it, you think, “okay, thanks for your opinion” and you wander off in your own happy world. No, “I shouldn’t say that”, or any, “but X doesn’t like me because they said…”. We just say what’s on our mind and get on with living life the way we want. How brilliant is that?

Abraham Lincoln once said:
“You can please some of the people some of the time all of the people some of the time some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”

How right he was! And how often we forget this.
The situation is that, no matter what you do, someone somewhere will not like you. In fact, they may detest you; possibly for reasons beyond your control. You cannot please everyone.
Nor should you. That’s the other side of the coin. I don’t see how spending all of your energy trying to please everyone is in societies interest. The reason we try to please everyone, is because deep down, we all want people to like us. Generally, the people that like us have the same ideals and politics as us. It’s part of being a tribe – that we should all be pulling in the same direction.
Yet, everyone thinking and acting the same, isn’t good for a society. Without conflict and debate a culture stagnates. There is never any progress in a society when everyone has –or is forced to have- the same ideals.  This is why it is important for you, NOT to try and please everyone.
When this meme came up on my newsfeed, I shared it with the comment:
“I would take pissing people off anytime. Not only do you not have to pretend to be what others want, but you also save energy not having to deal with negative people. Win, win in my book. “

When you try to please everyone, the only way it works is by not being yourself: You have to be the person that X, Y, Z would like. How in the world is that healthy? What do you gain by trying to be someone else? Some friends, who frankly think more of their own views than want to listen to what you really think, will like you? Are they really your friends? Are they really people you should hang around with?

The person you are is perfectly fine. You can –and in my view should- be wild, silly, carefree, infantile and rude. You should piss people off when they need it. Just keep it in the broad society rules; like not killing people or hitting them with mallets.

If people can’t accept the way you are, or the decisions you make, then they aren’t worth the time and energy trying to convince. People who won’t make the time to see your side of the fence, or are openly hostile to your side of the fence, will only bring you down over time. It’s fine to preserver, but there will potentially come a point, where the effort you are expending is only giving you negative responses. It’s okay to walk away from a hostile situation. No one will care if you do, and you may find that more will respect your decision to exit a poisonous relationship.

When we accept that we will not please everyone, we should also give ourselves permission not to like other people. There will always be people that we don’t get on with or we don’t like. That’s okay.
One of my friends once mentioned over coffee once, that there was one person that frankly she couldn’t stand. They have a history, but that history has culminated to the situation, where if placed in a room with this said person, and a meat cleaver, then I wouldn’t count the odds of this person walking away with all bodily appendages. Her comment at the end of this diatribe was, “isn’t that awful?”
Umm, no. There are people that I detest, and frankly sometimes, I don’t even have a good excuse. I just don’t like them to the point that it’s best for everyone if we stayed apart. I am not going to worry about pleasing someone I am never going to get on with.
 Yet, I do insist I keep people as friends who have different views, lifestyles or opinions than me.  Even if their views are the complete anti-thesis of mine, and their views irritate me to the point of screaming, I will still try to keep them as friends. We all need people like this in our lives. As I have said, society only grows when everyone has different ideas; we, as people only grow, if we accept the right of people to have different opinions to ourselves, and we place our arguments in a constructive way. It is always good to have your attitudes challenged; you end up either validating your view, or if you are very lucky, you end up changing your view.
So what am I saying? Not sure really; like most of my posts there was a point at the beginning, but it has been lost in my ramblings.
I think this post boils down to: It’s okay to piss off other people and likewise it’s okay for people to piss you off in return. Don’t change who you are for someone else and if you make a decision that everyone hates, then ‘Stuff ‘em!’. If they are unwilling to listen to your reasons, then they aren’t worth arguing with.  Unless you are a complete prat, the reasoning behind your decisions are probably good ones.
Just chill out about it. If you are still having problems saying what you mean to the point where you may upset people, then just tell them, “Kate told me to say it”. I am okay with people not liking me – especially people I don’t know. Feel free to use me as an excuse. I could be like that imaginary friend you had when you were six; the one who always made you eat the cookies and draw on the walls. Fine, I wasn’t six, but thirty-six when I did that, and it wasn’t cookies but wine. The drawing on the walls was probably true though.

Just remember the phrase, “Kate told me to say it” and your life will be a lot easier :)