First off, I will apologise. I have had an exceptionally horrible day, after an exceptionally horrible couple of weeks and the only way I can deal - just today - is to have maybe one too many glasses of wine. This always makes me maudlin, so apologise I will.
However, I am at the end. It makes me sad looking at my son. How horrible is that to say? I love my son to bits and I would never change him, but the last few days all I have wanted to do is break down and cry.
He isn't the same as other kids. He will never be the same as other kids and at his tender age of 6, I am having to sit down and accept that AGAIN.
Don't get me wrong I have been in this situation before. Lots more. However, after every time I go through this, his symptoms get better and as a high functioning Autistic child, you forget it. His quirks are just quirks. Something that makes him stand out and makes you cherish every part.
And then there are the bad days. The bad weeks. He is tired, overstressed and out of routine and every little issue comes to the front. You can't hide from it, and because you were able to before it just hits you. He is not the same, he will never be the same and life will always be tricky for him. How as a mother can I cope with that?
It's a mother's job to make things better. Fix things; make things happier. Take away all the problems. But what happens when you can't? When before you could even tried you have failed. When your whole life is making your son's life just good enough to get by. I am not making his life better, I am just enabling him to cope.
D has been having a lot more interaction with children of his own age during the school break. I can make excuses for his behaviour and usually his strangeness is dismissed in a "Really?" kind of way. But not this week. I cannot make any explanations. When his oldest acquaintance; his longest known peer; turns around in a parroted "taught by his parent's" fashion and says "D you are just too hyper", as D spins, bent double, as his head is on the floor, ignoring everything and everyone. It just doesn't cut it. I see the difference. As he scrunches; nay destroys the game cards, because he needs the tactile comfort and his friends just politely queries it. What do I say?
As he sits in the corner and avoids any interaction in a camp today... I know there is nothing I can do. I can't make him better. I can't "Fix" him, I can't help him. I just start to die.
So forgive me for this quiet blubbering into the ether. I already feel a bit better as I wipe the tears. I know tomorrow I will feel better and I will slap that smile on my face as I face the day. I will love all the things I usually love. I will counter all his issues and our day will be full of fun. But just for these 30 minutes as I have typed this, just forget I have quietly broken my heart and mended it again. That I have looked the - perhaps false - truth in the face and then ignored it.
Tomorrow will be better.
Just send this post into the unknown as it was designed. Ignored, forgotten by anyone who reads it as I cleanse the last few days from my soul.
Not really an uplifting post. Feel free to get some wine and ignore. I know I want to.