Nope.. don't go away that isn't the end of the blog post... Honest, I do have something vaguely relevant to the world and interesting to say. (I think I do, I have had a glass of wine, so let's save that assessment to the end shall we?)
Anyway, I was making paper dinosaurs, eggs and a nest for D the other day. That's isn't the wine talking - I was actually doing it. Yes, a mother's life is strange; there are days I look at what I am doing and think, "Boy, bet you never saw this coming!". I digress.. okay..
So dino's, egg and nest stuff. D had decided to make his nest into a shape of a black hole. He is also a bit of a science freak and the conversations we have when he mixes interests are amazing. He asked, "Mummy, why aren't the baby dinosaurs scared that their nest isn't going to squash them?"
I reply, "well, they are only babies and they don't know what a black hole is, why should they be scared? They don't know a black hole can hurt them. You can only be scared if you have fear and you only have fear if you realise that what you are experiencing is scary. Even if it is scary, the black hole is pretty, perhaps they like the black hole"
As I mentioned in my previous blog post I am going to write "orädd"; the swedish word for fearless on my arm with a sharpie for my next race. Why? Because I am beginning to challenge myself, I am nervous and I want to beat my fears. I want to be fearless! I want to do things that 5 years ago.. no even 2 years ago, I never thought I could or would do.
I have always tried to beat my fears. I had a violent fear of needles when I was a child. Even till I was in my Twenties, I had to be restrained if I had to have an injection. Then I realised that this was a stupid fear, so I forced myself to give blood. I think I gave blood about 10 times before I moved countries and had to stop. Now my fear, although it is still there, no longer rules me.
I was scared of thunderstorms when I was a child; I saw a documentary on Discovery about how a man died when a lightening strike hit the plumbing in his house. Admittedly, the cure for that fear was more extreme; I moved to sub-tropical Australia. The storms there were amazing. Thoroughly violent and awe-inspiring. Despite beingpetrified to the point I could have done with a few "loo trips", I couldn't help but be dumbfounded by the beauty in the power. Last night, we had a thunderstorm, and as I lay in my metal bed, I couldn't help but smile and remember everything about Australia; the gum-trees, the kookaburra's, the smell. *Sigh* Fear subdued.
I was also scared, (but only a little) of spiders. Australia cured that too; when I encountered Red-backs in the house. It didn't necessarily stop me being scared of spiders. At least now, I know which ones to be scared of and have a huge can of poison on hand. God, they are hard buggers to kill!
That was another tangent; sorry.
So, my revelation. Children or babies aren't scared of anything, because they don't know that they should be scared, and if they do know, because of some rambled conversation they heard from us; they don't care. What they are doing is a lot more fun. Admittedly, this isn't always a good thing; fear can be a saviour too - not jumping out a 3rd story window for example. It is only Adults that develop fear. We learn what would hurt us so that makes us scared. I am nervous about the races I am planning to do. Why? Because I think the races are bigger than me and I will fail. Why should I think that? I have no expectations, no knowledge of what I am attempting to achieve; so why despite all of that am I nervous?
I have maintained (along with my "non-runner" status), that I am a 6 year old kid. I admit, I have occasional "adult duties" I have to perform; usual revolving around dragging kids around supermarkets and wiping poop of various things. Underneath that adult persona though, I am really a furry, super-hero mammal, (I haven't decided which one yet) with a cape and a mask. I defeat evil; I stop unfairness; I help those in need; and occasionally stop-off for a "Nut slushy". Before you get worried; this isn't the wine talking, it was actually an internet chat with a friend of mine - you know the phrase, "great minds think alike, but fools never differ"? He is my Twin in pretty much most ways it's scary. Sorry Nutty..:)
Having to explain to D about fear and black holes, made me realise that some days I am more 26 than 6. That's something I need to address. If I truly want to be fearless; I don't need to conquer my fears, I just need to "not know about them" until, perhaps after the fact. :) Along with the air-drums, the "swedish fish" and the funny pink feet for running, I really need to embrace the true part of being a kid. Of doing something, not because it challenges me, but because it is fun and I don't know any different, or if I do, then I will ignore it because the "fun" element is greater. Would I have registered for this race in a couple of weeks, (or in fact my last two races as well), if I hadn't been completely drunk? Probably not. I committed myself to them because I was too bladdered to know different. I was nervous before because I place "adult" expectations on myself. In the end, I did them because I wanted to laugh.
I know that what I am saying is bordering on a fine line. There is a lot to be said for acknowledging your fear but doing it anyway even though you are scared; courage. People who go to war; this is courage and we should thank them for the courage we may not be able to reciprocate. Some people may say that doing something because you are too stupid, (or drunk, or both) to realise the difference, isn't fearless, it is, well because of the first reason, you are stupid. Perhaps, fearless is knowing that something should be fearful, but instead of continuing despite your fear, you sit there and you laugh at it. You turn the fear into something wondrous and fun.
So to be fearless, I need to ignore my fear and when I have to actually face something I NEED to be scared of, I should just laugh at it. Not conquer, not endure, but change it to something enjoyable.
"Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy" is a huge, cultural part of being a Brit, (like the Beatles, Monty Python and "Daddies Sauce"). Do you remember those glasses that Zaphod Beeblebrox had when he went into Magrathea? You know, the ones that go dark when it senses danger approaching? Does anyone know if Amazon sells them? If they do, do they come with flashing lights?