Friday, June 18, 2010

Well that was a crappy month!

Yep, I know I haven't posted in a little while. It's been a hard month for me - one that I could never have prepared for or expected.

Essentially, about 5 weeks ago, my mother passed away very suddenly. She suffered lung failure, but there was no real warning as such; she was admitted to the hospital for asthma, and less than 24 hours later she had died. My parents live in the UK and I am based in Canada, so the whole event had happened before I knew there was anything to worry about.

My family and myself rushed back over the UK for what has been the most exhausting month I can remember for a long time. I was (and still am) physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. There is no juice in my tank; I am running on empty on everything.

My plan was/is to run a half marathon next weekend (27th). Deep in my heart I want to; to prove that I am back to my old self, but really I don't know if I can. I am not back to my old self. I am not the happy go lucky girl I always am. Although I am probably still a lot more "gun-ho" than most people I know, still, I know that I am not like myself.

I know I will get over this. I know that in a while I won't think of my Mum and feel the ache. I know at some point, there will be some smell, or sound, or taste that will always remind me of her in the good comforting way she would like. (For my Granddad, it's the sound of a wood-pigeon in the morning; for my Nanna it's the smell of coal smoke). I never realised before now how much I sub-consciously thought of her. It's only know that I have to perform this mental check on myself that it's apparent. A couple of months ago I would have thought "Mum would like to hear about this", or "I need to call Mum and ask her", or "That's just like Mum" or even just the word "Mum" and the thought would have passed through my brain silently without me acknowledging it. Now, as soon as the thought passes through my head, I realise that it won't happen and for a couple of moments I get a head-rush, like I have stood up too quickly.

When my Mum died the first couple of weeks was like a huge ache. It was all encompassing; overwhelming. It physically hurt. I walked around feeling like someone had punched me in the middle of my back and I was bruised. Now, it's just lots of little aches that are spaced through-out the day. It's not as bad, I have periods where I feel like me; happy silly me. I am just so tired.. so very tired.

Sorry for the down post. I was hoping it would make me feel better - they say a problem shared is a problem halved, however I think all I have done is brought everyone down to my level.

Crap! I'll do better next time guys..

2 comments:

  1. It's not a down post at all. It's how you're feeling. Sometimes life sucks. I wish I could give you a hug in person but I'm sending out some good virtual hugs. So sorry for you loss :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother this year as well. Even though I had time to 'prepare' it is always too soon to say goodbye. *hugs* ~seret

    ReplyDelete